Uncertainty is inevitable
Anne Z, a 28-year-old who also fears marriage, thinks uncertainty is inevitable in a rapidly developing society.
Anne graduated from a top university in China and has been working in the finance sector in Shenzhen, Guangdong Province for years. Well-educated, good-looking and with a decent income, she is considered "good wife material" in many people's eyes, except that she does not want marriage.
"I don't want to get married," she said. "I don't think it suits me either."
Anna is very independent, both economically and spiritually, and manages her life just fine by herself. In her spare time, she's busy with bodybuilding and learning different things: cooking, photography and, recently, painting. She also travels every month, making new friends and getting to know different places. For her, marriage is an unwanted constraint.
"I think life is a long process that contains different stages of self-pursuit. You cannot ensure that the two people in wedlock are always on the same page," she said.
Anne attaches great importance to individual development. For her, love and marriage are secondary. "Marriage is just a social system and contract, and real love doesn't need to be protected by a piece of paper," she said.
Anne is currently reading American author Eric Klinenberg's Going Solo, and she believes that skipping marriage is a better option for her. Many young Chinese express similar feelings under the topic "fear of marriage" on zhihu.com, the Chinese version of Quora.
Chen said for individuals like Anne, who can "predict the quality of life they will have based on their own actions and merits, but can't predict the outcome of marriage," their fear is understandable. "Every coin has two sides, and it might not be a bad thing as long as they can be responsible for their choices," she said.
Not fully mature
In contrast to Anne, who knows exactly what she wants, some people are afraid of marriage because they haven't figured out what they really want.
Lily Wang, 27, is single and works in advertisement in Shanghai. Over the past three years, her parents and friends have set her up on blind dates, but none of them worked out. She eventually came to the conclusion that she doesn't want to settle down because she hasn't figured out "what sort of life she really wants."
"I can't get married without knowing who I really am and what I really need," Wang sighed.
She also felt uncomfortable with the way the dates were arranged. "To date with the purpose of marriage" puts a lot of pressure on her, she said.
Wang also wants to change careers, which adds to the uncertainty in her life.
Regarding situations like Wang's, both Gao and Chen said the real issue has nothing to do with the future, but rather a lack of clarity about one's personality and the absence of a sense security.
"Many people's character and sense of self do not fully develop before the age of 30, so they are still in the stage of self-exploration," said Chen. "Only when they have developed a complete sense of self and value system can they have clear views and choices about marriage."
Economic burden in big cities
"The main reason for fearing marriage is simple: money!" said John Zhao, 30, who works in architecture in Beijing.
Having been dating his girlfriend for a year, Zhao wanted to propose to her several times, but he stopped himself each time he thought of the material foundation they would need: an apartment, a good car, the fancy wedding she always wanted, and furniture for their new home.
Zhao has a decent job. But the rocketing housing price and high living expenses in the big city are like a heavy stone on his chest. Zhao said his situation is common among his friends and that it's almost impossible for a young man to purchase a house without the help of his parents.
"Without a stable economic foundation, how can I become a quality husband and father and support and feed the whole family?" Zhao said.
However, Chen said what Zhao describes as an economic burden is a lack of confidence in disguise.
While conceding that whatever people who fear marriage feel seems very real and scary for them, Chen said, "The best solution is to face yourself truthfully and not to fight against the fear."
She suggests that young people keep an open mind, accept their real need, and follow their hearts. She said working on self-development and establishing one's own sense of security is equally important.
"Don't rush into marriage when you really think you are not ready. It's better to give yourself some time," added Gao. He predicts that more young Chinese will grapple with the institution of marriage as people become more economically independent and pay more attention to their future happiness.
Chen agrees.
"Marriage is just one of the many options in life. It is something between reality and the ideal. To face it truthfully is the beginning of happiness," Chen said.
