Never too late for love

"Everyone says you were beautiful when you were young, but I want to tell you I think you're more beautiful now than then. Rather than your face as a young woman, I prefer your face as it is now." Thus wrote French author Marguerite Duras in her classic work The Lover. These sentences are perfect to describe twilight love, the romance that occurs between elderly people. But does such romance exist outside fiction? What will happen when twilight lovers encounter reality?

In the figures from the sixth nationwide census in 2010, people aged above 60 account for 13 percent of the Chinese population. In a survey conducted by the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, 80 percent of elderly people who have lost their partners are willing to get remarried. However, for many senior citizens, especially for women, the road leading to remarriage is not smooth.

Uneasy lover

Yu Xiaohe has complicated feelings about getting married again. The 61-year-old, who has her hair dyed black and permed, and wears light make-up, looks energetic and much younger than her age. More than 10 years ago, Yu moved to Beijing from her hometown in Henan Province after the breakdown of her marriage. Her son had established his own family in Henan and she doesn't need to help in the raising of her grandchildren. She now has plenty of time to immerse herself in a world of literature, poetry, music and yoga.

Nevertheless Yu confessed that she wants to find a husband as she doesn't like solitude. Over the past few years, she has dated different men, who she has met through blind dates and socializing events, but she "was always disappointed." Yu hopes to find a spiritual partner who can also provide her with a stable life. "It is not just young people who desire to be loved and respected in a relationship. We are the same," Yu said. "I am quite emotional and will easily get jealous."

She once dated a man in his 70s for quite a long time, but she finally declined his proposal for marriage as he demanded Yu to stop going to social events. "I want a stable family life, but I also want independence," she explained. After many failures, Yu said she understands that "it will be difficult to find an ideal spouse," but she is adamant to never lower her standards in her quest for a husband.

No money, no honey

Like Yu, many older women want to find both a spiritual companion and stability, but the problem is that sometimes men are reluctant to give a promise. Xu Kun, a professor of philosophy at Beijing's Capital Normal University and founder of a hotline that provides psychological assistance to the aged, shared some stories she has encountered while counseling. In one, an 80-year-old man, Li Shijun, said he hoped to find a girlfriend or get remarried after his wife passed away. However, the man had set a precondition: The woman can live with him, but cannot share his assets, including his house. "He insists that all of life's costs should be shared. They should 'go Dutch.' But many women may reject this precondition," Xu said.

Not all though. According to Xu, many women may choose to live together with a man, but are reluctant to get a marriage certificate, because they do not want to get involved in economic complications. Cheng He, 72, said she just wanted to find a partner who she can spend time with, and who can provide a helping hand when she is in need. "We can share life's costs," insists Cheng.

There are also those who might want companionship but would refuse remarriage altogether. They are concerned about their children objecting, who might be afraid that a new family member would compromise their status.

That loving feeling

In Xu's opinion, a successful marriage between elderly people should follow three steps. Firstly, like today's youth, the first requirement for a marriage to be successful is to establish a proper way of dealing with household issues. Secondly, the man should let the woman feel mentally safe, in some instances by getting the marriage formally registered. Finally, each of them should feel a sense of belonging.

This is good advice and there are certainly romance success stories. In 2011, 9,000 couples registered at the Civil Affairs Bureau in Daxing district, 200 of which were elderly, according to a report in the news magazine Outlook Weekly.

We particularly like the story of 65-year-old Li Minzhong and Tong Huixin, 60. The two kindled their love at a socializing event during Spring Festival, having known each other since primary school. "Li has strong feelings for Tong. He has liked her for many decades. After both of their partners passed away, their passion for each other was lit," Xu said. "Li has been through a lot over the past two years. He lost his wife and was diagnosed with lung cancer," Tong once said of her new boyfriend.

Of course not all are successful, but romance is not the only form of companionship out there. Due to the difficulties of getting remarried, and the fact that the number of aged women is much bigger than men, other forms of socializing can also be explored to help senior citizens find a companion. "For example, women can effectively become 'sisters' to help each other out in daily life," Xu highlighted.

It seems whether it be platonic or romantic, it is never too late for older women to find some kind of love.