Why Shanghai men are in demand

Along with Shanghai's famous xiaolongbao (a type of steamed bun) and hairy crabs, there's another local product gaining more and more popularity - Shanghai men. They apparently make high quality husbands and are considered special and quite different from men from other parts of China.

The Taiwanese writer and culture critic Lung Ying-tai once described that Shanghai men were the sort who washed their wives' underwear, mopped floors, cooked dinners and never dared to raise their voices to their wives. She said Shanghai men were a "rare species in the world."

She wrote this in a newspaper 14 years ago and her comments provoked a storm of controversy. The comments were translated into English and the writer was invited to be a guest on BBC radio. The show brought the men of Shanghai international fame as people around the world split into two camps: those who didn't approve of Shanghai men because they were submissive and fearful of their wives; and those who believed Shanghai men made the best husbands.

Fourteen years later the facts seem to be supporting the people who believed Shanghai men were the more attractive.

Before the 1990s Shanghai people rarely married people from other provinces or countries.That has changed radically. Every year about 40 percent of the newlyweds in Shanghai are composed of Shanghai men and women from another part of China.

The number of foreign women who marry Shanghai men has jumped by about 50 percent since the early 1990s. "In recent times about 300 foreign women have been marrying Shanghai men every year," Lin Kewu, the director of the Shanghai Marriage Administration Office with the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau, told the Global Times.

Most of the foreign wives come from Japan, followed by women from Western countries like Australia, America and Canada.

Mild temperament

The attraction of Shanghai men seems to be not just their mild temperament and the way they respect their brides but also that Shanghai men have become open to foreign cultures and have more opportunities to meet foreigners.

Though the number of foreign women who marry Shanghai men is a lot smaller than the number of city women who marry foreign men, experts suggest the gap will narrow in the future.

Pamela Opdebeck, 29, from Canada married Shanghai man Chen Jiongfang, 39, two years ago and they have a 3-month-old baby, Chen Zhoujun.

"My husband and I met on a web forum and we talked on the phone. His voice was so nice and deep that it left a deep impression on me. We met in person three days after that," Opdebeck said.

"I lived in the former French concession and my husband grew up in that area. He was very familiar with the neighborhood so he introduced me to many good restaurants. We took walks and dined together," Opdebeck said.

Everything happened quickly and smoothly. Opdebeck and Chen talked about getting married three months after they met and registered their marriage six months later. "You could call it a wedding on a roll," she said.

Before Opdebeck met Chen she had few chances to meet local men, but she knew their reputation.

"I had heard about Shanghai men. They carried women's handbags and were obedient. While northern men were aggressive and domineering, Shanghai men were pushovers. They gave in easily to what women wanted - plus they cooked," she said.

Though Opdebeck liked Shanghai men and their approach, she had never thought of marrying a local man and did not deliberately choose a Shanghainese.

"Before my husband I had only dated Westerners. It was a big surprise," she said though she had always thought Shanghai men were quality husband material.

"I am an English teacher and I met adult students from Taiwan, northern China and southern China. They seem to have a different attitude towards women," she said.

"If you were to date a Chinese man, Shanghai men are definitely a good choice," she said.

But many of her friends and colleagues still believe in the old stereotypes of a Shanghai man. "One time I was returning home to make dinner. My boss was very surprised and asked had I not married a Shanghainese man? Why would I need to make dinner," Opdebeck said. "I explained that I got home at 5 pm and my husband got home at 7 pm. The person who got home first made the dinner."

Chinese women she knows reckon she is lucky to have married a Shanghai man. "They told me that Shanghai men are the best in China," she said.

"Though their reputation is not usually highly regarded by men from other parts of China, women think that it is great to marry a Shanghai man," husband Chen said.

Chen helps his wife with the housework, including the laundry, and sometimes cooks dinner. However Opdebeck does not want her husband to be too much of "a Shanghai man."

"I laugh when I see Shanghai men carrying handbags. I never want to give my handbag to my husband," she said.

Housework is normal

Marriage administration office director Lin Kewu is a Shanghai man and said it was normal for Shanghai men to do housework. Sharing the housework was important to show that women were respected and shared an equal position in the household with the men.

"I do the housework that needs more muscle, for example, mopping floors and cleaning furniture while my wife cooks. I also wash the dishes," Lin said. He said that even the head of the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau helps his wife shop for vegetables and meat.

Statistics show that Shanghai men do more housework than their peers in other parts of the country.

According to a survey in 50 neighborhoods in Shanghai in 2006, 45 percent of the surveyed families said wives and husbands did the same amount of housework; in 36 percent of the households the husbands did more housework than the wives while only 19 percent of the wives said they did more housework.

A sina.com survey this week reported that 55 percent of the 16,000 respondents from all over China said women did more housework than their husbands. The survey found just 14 percent of households where men did more housework than the wives. Men from the east coast were found to be more attuned to housework.

Though the number of Shanghai men marrying wives from elsewhere is growing, the figure is still a far cry from the number of Shanghai women marrying foreign men.

According to director Lin, Shanghai had about 2,200 international marriages in 2010. There were 321 marriages involving Shanghai men and foreign women, but the rest were foreign men marrying Shanghai women.

"I don't know any couples like us. My wife and I have only once seen another Chinese man and Western woman together," Chen said.

Few opportunities

Opdebeck said that she rarely had an opportunity to meet local men. "I think the language barrier is one problem keeping local men away from foreign women. Because they have limited English, they can only ask simple questions, mostly about food and Western television shows."

Opdebeck has hardly ever seen local men approach Western women in bars. "I think local men are shy and afraid to talk to foreign women," she said.

Professor Wang Daben, a sociologist from East China Normal University, told the Global Times that one important reason why the number of Shanghai men having international marriages is smaller than for women is that Shanghai men are too shy to chase Western girls. "Local men are usually worried about language, cultural differences and habits. They seldom make a move even when they find a beautiful foreign woman. Foreign men are more direct when they chase Chinese women," he said.

"The television dating shows exemplify this where foreign girls usually pursue Chinese men instead of the Chinese men being active in the process," Wang said.

Wang said the gap between the number of local men and women marrying foreigners is beginning to shrink. "The number of Shanghai women marrying foreign men is dropping because the economy here is improving. Not so many local women now want to get married to foreigners and drastically change their lives. And, as Shanghai men become more open to international marriages, the gap will gradually shrink," he said.

According to director Lin, the number of Shanghai women marrying foreign men dropped by 17 percent from 2007 to 2011.

Culture fascination

Professor Wang said that many foreigners were fascinated by Chinese culture and wanted to marry someone from that culture.

Opdebeck said she read a lot about Chinese culture and Chen has helped her understand it more. "When we had known each other for three months, he took me and his family to a Buddhist temple in Wuxi, Jingsu Province. I got to learn more about Buddhist culture. The music was beautiful and the food was great. Though I am a Catholic we deal with our religions well," she said.

But cultural differences can cause problems. "Chinese men need to pay more attention to the way they talk to Western girls. Western girls are very independent and confident about themselves," Chen said.

Yang Fengqiang, 25, is a medical student who moved to Shanghai in 2005. He married a Japanese girl, Su Shinen, from his undergraduate school at Tongji University. "We had been together for six years and we got married on February 14 this year," Yang said.

Every year the two go to the Bund to celebrate the anniversary of the day Yang first professed his love for his wife.

Despite true love they still encounter cultural clashes. "Sometimes when she is angry with me I cannot figure out why," Yang said. "People from different cultures can get angry for different reasons. It is hard to explain. But whether I think I am right or wrong, I am the first to give up and apologize," he said. "It is the responsibility of a man."

Easier finances

One advantage for Shanghai men who marry foreign women is that they do not face heavy financial burdens to get wed.

"Shanghai girls are very materialistic. They decide to date a man based on whether he has an apartment, a good car and a good salary. I could be aged 40 and still be struggling to meet their requirements," Yang said. He believes Japanese women are usually more considerate in relationships.

"Japanese women do not usually expect a house is necessary for them to be married. It is difficult for young people to afford a house. So Japanese couples usually get married and work for many years before they buy houses," Su Shinen said.

"Chinese parents tend to help their children buy apartments. But we think that grown-ups should be independent and responsible for their own lives," she said.

Chen thinks that local girls put too much pressure on men and are making them "soft."

"I don't think Shanghai men carried handbags in the early 1990s. There were only a few shops in the city. Back then Shanghai girls were not as material as they are today. Men didn't have to work so hard to satisfy women," he said. He suggested that Shanghai men should shift their attention to foreign women.

"My brother also married a Western girl. So now there are few financial burdens for my parents. Most foreign girls do not demand cars or apartments. They don't even want you to pay for drinks," Chen said.

Though there might not be the pressure to buy a home, Shanghai men face the stress of living in another country when their spouses return to their home countries.

"My wife and I thought about this for a long time before we decided to get married. She went back to Japan about a year ago. I am going to Japan after I graduate in a year and a half," Yang said. "Though it takes longer and additional training to become a doctor in Japan than if I stay in Shanghai, it is worth the effort to be with my wife."

Chen and his Canadian wife have decided to go to Canada in five years for their child's education.

"Though I do not want to live abroad I will do it for the good of the family," he said.

Director Lin said that more than 90 percent of the Shanghainese in international marriages moved overseas in the 1990s.

"We do not know how many choose to stay in Shanghai now. But we feel there are more couples choosing to stay in the city because there are now more foreign companies and more job opportunities for foreigners," Lin said.