Traditional Chinese mysteries, not medicine

It's common for white-collar workers to complain of nagging pain in their neck or back, poor sleep, bad skin, a protruding beer belly, or all of the above.

If you are in the West, you'll probably be instructed to have spinal surgery, join a gym, do yoga, meditate, or go vegetarian. Alternatively, you might choose to self-medicate with sleeping pills or alcohol.

But when in China, it's best to do as the Chinese do. You really shouldn't be telling your friends that you've lived in China if you haven't tried traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) yet.

I understand it might be tricky finding a proper place for a Chinese-style massage or acupuncture. It might be easy to recognize places that offer much more than just a massage; dim pink lights being a good sign.

But even with legitimate massage parlors, how do you know if you are getting the real deal?

The first rule of TCM is that it doesn't treat what's bothering you. Got a pimple on your cheek? Your stomach needs treatment. Bad back? That's probably your kidney. Can't sleep? Try soaking your feet in hot water for half an hour before going to bed.

If after you lie down on the table the masseuse or masseur starts telling you about your lungs, spleen or intestines, you are probably in good hands.

There are other treatments for those who feel bold, such as acupuncture, and scraping and cupping therapies. I've only tried cupping once and that was it for me. I'm done.

I don't understand why anyone would put themselves through that much pain. And for what? Ten round, purple welts dotting your back.

Of course, your TCM practitioner will tell you the darker the skin gets or the more it hurts, the more it proves that you have a problem. While I was trying to suppress my scream, I had to listen to my therapist tell me the benefits of cupping and scraping.

Apparently, it releases the cold air from your body, which supposedly is what's causing your back and neck pain.

Another thing you should know about TCM is that, like Chinese cooking, the instructions are so imprecise and the learning process is so experience-based that I don't know how teaching it is even possible.

I've been going to the same massage parlor for more than two years now. Since the masseuse who I regularly saw left, I've been seeing different ones each visit. Their techniques are slightly different, yet they were all supposedly trained by the same master.

But what difference does it make anyway? What's really at work here is the placebo effect. TCM is supposed to be a slow process. So, after you finally move to a city graced by blue skies and work in a job that doesn't tie you to your desk 12 hours daily, maybe then you'll start to feel all those TCM therapies are finally working.